The second I put in this disc and was greeted by the animated menu featuring a talking kangaroo, I wanted to just take it back out and forget I ever planned to watch – but I had a job to do. Ever since those closing credits embraced me like sweet sweet death, I’ve been trying to decide where to lay the blame for this abomination. Do I blame uber-producer Jerry Bruckheimer? He’s certainly behind the movie, but I think it probably would have gotten made whether he was involved or not. David McNally the director only has one previous credit – Coyote Ugly, which is also a Bruckheimer film. But, again had he decided against throwing the better angels of his nature down the toilet, it would simply have been made with a different director. I’d like to blame Jerry O’Connell, whose acting track record is…uneven. However, I get the feeling that either his agent hates him very very much, or he simply says, “yes” to anything because he likes money. I know Christopher Walken does – he said in an interview he just loves to work. No, we can’t blame the actors – they’re just doing a job, and none of them are big enough players to have had the juice to push this through themselves.
We must blame Steve Bing. He is credited with both the story and screenplay – it was his idea. That’s the doorstep on which this flaming bag of shit must be laid. Somewhere in the dark recesses of his mind, this dilettante heir-playboy-screenwriter who has been in the news more for knocking up Elizabeth Hurley than actually working, decided that the world needed a movie with a dancing, rapping, cgi kangaroo. Shame on you Steve Bing. Shame.
Kangaroo Jack is about two life long friends sent to Australia by the mob to deliver $50,000 to some guy in the outback. You see, Charlie’s (O’Connell) step-dad (Walken) is the head of a New York crime family. Charlie and Louis (Anthony Anderson) accidentally lead the cops to one of Walken’s warehouses where they find millions in stolen goods. Rather than kill them (because Charlie’s mother would cry) he sends them on a mission of retribution – the aforementioned Australia trip. All they have to do is rent a car, drive to a town in the outback and deliver the envelope. They of course egregiously mess this up.
I’ve never been much for movies that are based entirely on the terminal stupidity of the characters. They hit a kangaroo on the road. They put glasses and a jacket on the kangaroo to take pictures of it. Kangaroo wakes up and hops away. Jacket is on the kangaroo. Money is in the jacket. Now they have to find the Kangaroo to deliver the money. I’m supposed to root for two guys so stupid that they screwed up a mission for the mob by putting $50,000 on a kangaroo? I don’t want to give anything away, but the same terminal stupidity that caused this mess actually saved their lives. Amazing – two people too stupid to live turn out to be too stupid to die. Or maybe it was the power of their friendship or some such nonsense. This seems as good a time as any to point out that while watching the film a friend and I had to repeatedly turn to each other to clarify plot points, only to discover we didn’t give a damn. If I recall correctly I think he repeatedly said, “I hope they all die in a fiery blaze.” I concurred. Unfortunately it was not to be.
They wreck the truck chasing the kangaroo and end up in a small dusty town. There they meet Blue – an old, drunken coot who also happens to be a pilot and the only redeemable part of this film. Louis contacts “Mr. Smith” and stalls him while they work out a way to find the kangaroo. At some point they make mention of the fact there are 20 million kangaroos in Australia, but these jokers seem to have no trouble repeatedly finding and losing this particular one. Plan B involves an airplane, which also doesn’t work out, and then they set out on foot to find Jessie, (Estella Warren of nearly mute Planet of the Apes fame. Plan C involves farting camels and romantic intrigue. Seriously, I know it looks like I made that up.
By this point Mr. Smith and his people are hot on their trail – they think the idiots just took the money and are hiding. Walken’s mob people also fly over because they think the same thing. Both groups also plan to kill the idiots, money or not. I won’t even go into how stupid someone would have to be to decide to run off with the money, but go ahead and fly to Australia and get almost all the way to their destination first. I won’t go into that because Charlie and Louis have already proven that is Exactly how stupid they are, so it’s strangely believable.
One out of place montage sequence, dozens of DOA “jokes” and several near brushes with death later everything is sorted out and we can all live happily ever after.
To be fair, I was pleasantly surprised at one thing – the only time the kangaroo speaks is during Charlie’s hallucination – thank God for small favours.
This is a terrible movie. The script is trite and horrid; the acting (aside from Blue) wooden and predictable. Some of the action sequences were well shot, and as much as I hate to say it the CG kangaroo was well done – but those are minor points. The kangaroo “dancing” made me want to kill myself and those I love. The campfire scene looked like they dug up the old Three Amigos set and removed the cacti. The “jokes” were well-worn and predicable – and that doesn’t include the ones that fell so flat they cannot even be considered jokes. The plot, once fully revealed, was so stupid as to be insulting. Jerry O’Connell is quickly becoming an even better barometer of movies to avoid than Freddie Prince Jr. I can’t even really get it in my head to properly dissect this pile of crap. I want to – I’d like to go scene by scene and show how stupid the dialogue is and how little sense the plot makes. Unfortunately I cannot do that because it all starts with how horrendous the idea itself is. The entire product screams out “I have a distain for the movie-going public and wish to make lot’s of money by pumping out something so mind-numbingly hideous that I cannot look at myself in the mirror.” I just get the feeling that absolutely no one aside from the second unit director (action sequences) cared at all about doing a good job, and I hate them for it.
Since I simply cannot force myself to analyze this any more deeply I’ll leave you with one final thought – This Movie Made $80 Million Dollars in the Theatre.
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I hate to say it, oh how I hate to say it, but I contributed my fair share to that box office return.
In my defense, I had a child to entertain for the afternoon, and it seemed like a good idea at the time. I knew I'd hate the movie, but I'd be the good uncle.
I want to thank you, if nothing else, for teaching me who to blame for that misery. Steve Bing, I have my eye on you. Him and Uwe Boll will be force to pay. Oh yes.
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