From the Vault: Out Cold

Ski Patrol for the new millennium

I had to see this in the theatre by myself when it came out because no one would go with me. I really hate doing that; not particularly because I like the conversation or company involved with going to and waiting for a movie to start. I can do without that. I hate the fact that people there can all tell you’re by yourself. I normally try to go as close as possible to when the film starts which helps alleviate the awkwardness. I try to get friends to go, and often they even express interest in going, but it ends up getting put off. So, to avoid not seeing a movie at all I go by myself a lot. I just remember from my time working at a theatre there were always the middle aged men and women who would come to the theatre by themselves. It seemed so sad. Now, I’m just a few years away from being one of them.
Anyway, as someone who spent an enjoyable part of his childhood partaking in the inherent wackiness of the Ski Patrol and Ski School franchises I knew what I expected and hoped for. While somewhat weighed down with the hip sensibility of the modern era it delivered on nearly all fronts.
Let’s go through the checklist:
• Random minor stars people vaguely recognize
• Hilarious drunken antics
• Peripheral sage-like character
• Wacky sidekick
• Great freakin ski stunts
• Lovable losers engaged in a mortal struggle with nefarious, rich bastards trying to take over their town
• Huge party scene
• Amazingly hot women in various state of undress

At this point I have to stop and mention that Out Cold is part of a disturbing trend of the past few years where movies that clearly should have been R rated and featured naked women did not do so. American Pie and Road Trip helped break that trend – and good for them. Despite the rampant lack of breasts, there are several scenes of bare male asses. While naked man ass always equals good comedy, I don’t think I’d be going too much out on a limb saying that even most women would rather see a perfectly formed undressed female body than a pale, hairy white guy ass. I’m for equality – let’s have both!

In this particular iteration of a well-trod plot, one of the London twins (One was in Party of Five and another Dazed and Confused and one in that Aerosmith video and I have no idea which is which) heads up a motley band of ski patrol members. Actually, they never really say that they are ski patrol, they just kind of work there. Five or six of them have names and a few others just stand around in the background hoping for their SAG card. It seems the founder of Bull Mountain died a year ago and his weasely son is planning to sell the mountain to rich developer John Majors (played by Lee Majors). I’ll give the name thing a pass since his company is called Major Resorts – so there’s a reason for it. At first the locals are somewhat excited because the current owner (Willie Garson) is a loser and Majors brings along excitement and hot women, most notably Victoria Silvstedt as his stepdaughter. Garson is an example of the character actors that turn up in something like this. I recall him best from a recurring spot on “NYPD Blue”, but others may know him as Stanford Blatch from “Sex and the City.” Either way he’s just barely a “Hey, It’s that guy.”

The group of friends quickly finds that they liked things better the way they were before and set out to sabotage the sale – of course. Along the way you have some great gags and a love triangle between Rick Rambis (Jason London), a girl from the town, and someone he knew briefly and fell hard for on a trip to Cancun.

That’s quite enough of the plot. There are only two reasons to watch this movie – the snowboard scenes and the jokes. The former is really excellent and it appears as though they got some pro snowboarders and an experienced Second Unit Director to film some great stuff. The credits roll over a bloopers reel of stunts gone awry much like what you see in the bails videos in a Tony Hawk game…only on snow. As for the jokes, they predominantly work. Most of the best gags revolve around Luke, played by Zack Galifianakis, who I have never seen or heard of before. It looks like had a Comedy Central Presents special and a TV show or two – quite possibly on MTV. He is absolutely hilarious and I would like to see more of his work in the future.

You may notice I’m not going into any details whatsoever about the jokes – I feel like doing that could spoil them. This movie so barely works as it is that I wouldn’t want to chance taking anything away from it. Likewise, don’t watch the trailer before the movie cause it shows a few things best left as surprise. Out Cold is directed by “The Malloys” who, aside from choosing a really pretentious credit, have absolutely no film experience whatsoever according to the IMDB. They do a perfectly acceptable job, but I can’t help but think that someone with more comedy experience could have cranked it up a notch in overall quality. I mean, who do you have to blow to get a directing job these days? Is there a list, cause I’ll sign up? The writer is a first time guy too, and I just don’t get it. I’ve had ideas like this sitting on the crapper. It’s not bad, it’s just not anything extraordinary. On the plus side the thing at least doesn’t have a list of writers the length of your arm. If you like wacky, screwball comedies and are looking for something that at least tries to hearken back to the glory days of 80’s cinema then you should give this a chance.